Jumping In

Starting back to work this evening with a sneeze. Or two. Or ten. Was kept awake much of last night with a cold, and broke out the cold meds this morning. Lots of vitamin C, zinc, cranberry juice, coffee, and water. And so far I have emptied and repurposed one box of tissue. They make great mini trash cans once they’re empty! … I’ll go to work smelling like vaporizing chest rub rather than perfume… Sadly…

These last few days have been a huge struggle. I miss my mom. It all feels so unreal, like a bad dream. The grief roller coaster is rough, laughing one minute and feeling like your chest is about to crack open from sadness the next. Stress of the unknown is constantly knocking at our door as we try and figure out how to manage bill payment. There are 11 different medical bills all needing paid. Eleven. And not little bills either. And on top of that, electric, water, internet, mortgage (why is there a T in that word??) and phone bills. All of this I knew existed before, but never had to sit down and look at the numbers… I’m glad I’m learning it now, but it’s still a lot to take in.

Literally just now I’m getting a text from my manager asking if I can come in early… *sighs* Thus begins my jump off the cliff of real life.

Next Chapter Of Adulthood

Less than one month of 2014 left, and today I started the somewhat daunting but also exciting task of becoming my Dad’s personal accountant. Together we are delving into the dark chasm of bills and debts and setting up a special bill paying schedule for me to work from, so that I may take on my new role as payer of the bills. Though this is a pretty big task, I’m actually happy about it. It’s something I’d have to learn to do eventually, but this way I’m learning it while I still have someone to help crunch numbers and build budgets. Someone who actually knows how.

The last.. two weeks? Has been quite a roller coaster. Lots of family and friends in town, dropping food by, spending time with us, keeping our minds busy. But this week we are mostly (but not totally!) alone as far as company goes. Which is good, we aren’t very good company when we’re trying to pay bills. (Paying bills can make one a bit gwumpy.)

My parents and I have always had a very close relationship. And now that we’re missing one, my Dad and I have stuck close. Both of us have been having dreams lately, dreams that try and convince us that Mom is still alive. Mine often include Mom showing up and saying the doctor’s lied to us, and that she survived, and when I wake up, I feel like I’m still dreaming. It doesn’t feel right, it doesn’t feel real.

So often I see or hear of something really fun or cute, and my first thought is “I need to save that and show it to Mom!”. Or I’ll get dressed, and want to ask her opinion on my outfit. But I can’t. And every time my brain makes that subconscious suggestion, the reality of her loss hits me again.

She was 47. Way, way too young to spend her last week of life in a hospital bed, getting stuck with needles multiple times a day. I held her hand for some of those needles. And I was there, in the room when she died. Every memory of that night sits at the edge of my mind, nagging at me. Threatening to show up while I sleep.

The first three days next week, I’ll be home alone for most of the day. I’m intending to go to the gym a lot, read a lot, do laundry and clean. But even so, neither my Dad nor I have any desire to be alone right now. We’ll see how it goes…

 

Just The Beginning

And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures…had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story, which no one on earth has read: which goes on for ever: in which every chapter is better than the one before.

~C. S. Lewis

Last Goodbye

I love you, Mom. I don’t know how I’m going to do this without you and your gorgeous laugh, your knowing gaze and your corny humor. I wish I had said I love you one more time, given you one more hug. Friday night was the last time I really laughed with you, when I told you I’d seen a cute male nurse and you said you’d give him my number and tell him he had to go through you first. I’m holding tight to that one last really good memory.

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Update

An update on my family, particularly my mom.

As I said in my last post, after Sunday’s hour of prayer we found out that her CPK (inflammation) levels are totally normal, even better than your average healthy person, so that is a huge blessing. However, her heart is enlarged due to the strain to push blood through damaged lungs.

Last night she was feeling extremely short of breath, dizzy and weak, and this morning she made the decision to call an ambulance and go to the ER. They’ve run a couple of tests and found that she has a small blood clot in her lungs and fluid on her heart. They’re going to drain the fluid today (you have to be put under for this, but it’s just a large needle, no real “surgery”), and she will most likely be staying in the hospital for the weekend. So please keep her in your prayers.

Currently my truck is having weird electrical issues, and we have only one car. I’ve recently rearranged my schedule at work to be home for Mom, so I lost a lot of hours already and am going to have to procure rides to work this weekend. Thankfully I have some awesome coworkers and managers who are helping me anyway they can from covering my shifts to giving me rides! Such a blessing.

Anyway, at the moment I’m feeling kind of stressed and overwhelmed, so please keep my family and I in your prayers. We really appreciate you all.

Exciting News!

Awesome, fantastic news! My mom went to the doctor day before yesterday and had blood work done. Her stats used to be really bad, but now her  inflammation levels are completely normal – they went from outrageous and risky of 8000 (CPK level) to 60, well below the normal range of 300! She still has damaged lungs and a heart that is working overtime to pump blood into her lungs — and we are addressing that right now with the cardiologist, but FINALLY some good news! We are so encouraged and uplifted by this.

Also, I’m taking steps to acquire a scholarship and take a couple more online classes, make at least a little bit of progress earning college credits. Probably two classes. Filled out the application today. So that’s exciting as well. :) Praying that I get one of the two larger scholarships, but even the smallest one would be a great start. So to those of my praying followers, here are the following prayer requests:

Continued healing for my mom.
Scholarship contest– God blesses me with a decent sized one.
Financial Aid–that I get enough to be worth something.

Anyway, thats the update for today! Super thrilled by the turn of events today. :)