Just The Beginning

And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures…had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story, which no one on earth has read: which goes on for ever: in which every chapter is better than the one before.

~C. S. Lewis

Last Goodbye

I love you, Mom. I don’t know how I’m going to do this without you and your gorgeous laugh, your knowing gaze and your corny humor. I wish I had said I love you one more time, given you one more hug. Friday night was the last time I really laughed with you, when I told you I’d seen a cute male nurse and you said you’d give him my number and tell him he had to go through you first. I’m holding tight to that one last really good memory.

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Update

An update on my family, particularly my mom.

As I said in my last post, after Sunday’s hour of prayer we found out that her CPK (inflammation) levels are totally normal, even better than your average healthy person, so that is a huge blessing. However, her heart is enlarged due to the strain to push blood through damaged lungs.

Last night she was feeling extremely short of breath, dizzy and weak, and this morning she made the decision to call an ambulance and go to the ER. They’ve run a couple of tests and found that she has a small blood clot in her lungs and fluid on her heart. They’re going to drain the fluid today (you have to be put under for this, but it’s just a large needle, no real “surgery”), and she will most likely be staying in the hospital for the weekend. So please keep her in your prayers.

Currently my truck is having weird electrical issues, and we have only one car. I’ve recently rearranged my schedule at work to be home for Mom, so I lost a lot of hours already and am going to have to procure rides to work this weekend. Thankfully I have some awesome coworkers and managers who are helping me anyway they can from covering my shifts to giving me rides! Such a blessing.

Anyway, at the moment I’m feeling kind of stressed and overwhelmed, so please keep my family and I in your prayers. We really appreciate you all.

Exciting News!

Awesome, fantastic news! My mom went to the doctor day before yesterday and had blood work done. Her stats used to be really bad, but now her  inflammation levels are completely normal – they went from outrageous and risky of 8000 (CPK level) to 60, well below the normal range of 300! She still has damaged lungs and a heart that is working overtime to pump blood into her lungs — and we are addressing that right now with the cardiologist, but FINALLY some good news! We are so encouraged and uplifted by this.

Also, I’m taking steps to acquire a scholarship and take a couple more online classes, make at least a little bit of progress earning college credits. Probably two classes. Filled out the application today. So that’s exciting as well. :) Praying that I get one of the two larger scholarships, but even the smallest one would be a great start. So to those of my praying followers, here are the following prayer requests:

Continued healing for my mom.
Scholarship contest– God blesses me with a decent sized one.
Financial Aid–that I get enough to be worth something.

Anyway, thats the update for today! Super thrilled by the turn of events today. :)

Dreams Don’t Turn to Dust

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They’ve done brain scans on people experiencing heartbreak. Interestingly enough, they’ve proven that your brains physical pain receptors light up light a Christmas tree when experiencing heartbreak, it’s not just “hurt feelings”, it’s real, undeniable physical pain. Have you every been toasty warm and then jumped into a freezing cold lake? That feeling of your chest seizing up, electric pain preventing you from breathing? That’s it. But also, at the same time, heat, boiling, burning in your stomach, aching, clashing with the cold of your heart and making you sick.

I’ve felt that. The day my first “best friend” started stealing from me.

The day I got a letter from a friend so dear we called each other sisters, when she told me she hated me and that she never wanted to see me again because I had sought help after discovering she had been having suicidal thoughts.

The day I received a letter from the father of, funny enough, the friend who helped me survive the above heartbreak, saying that I was no longer permitted to see her or communicate with her.

There are others, more recent ones, that I just can’t bring myself to talk about currently…

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Just now I was writing a letter to God. Not an angry letter, but a hurt one. Because I thought I understood what He was doing, I thought I’d figured it out, but I was wrong. My own understanding still seems to make so much sense to me, but He obviously has other plans. I thought I could see the path ahead of me, but now it’s shrouded in fog, totally hidden, looming in mystery and whispering words of fear into my weakened heart. I’ve asked Him to give me some form of encouragement, some sign that the dreams I have are not going to be left as mere fantasies.

Let me repeat, I’m not angry with God, and I still believe He has a plan, and that it will work ultimately for my good, the good of my family, the good of my future, etc. But I just can’t see how. And I hurt. I feel like the walls are closing in on me, and I’d just like one aspect of my dreams, hopes and prayers to get a definitive answer, just to keep my heart alive.

Also, separate from that, I’d like to figure out what the heck is wrong with my vehicle so I can actually have wheels again. That would be great. Preferably without costing a lot of money…

I won’t pretend that I’m not asking for a lot. It’s a lot to me, at the very least. A wisp of smoke to God perhaps, but I am a speck of dust in that wisp, it feels huge to me.

Let’s be Adventurers

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I am so desparate to travel. See more of this big, beautiful world in all it’s majesty. But I don’t want to do it alone. I want to share those experiences with my husband *says the single dateless 21 year old*. I have money put away for it, I have lots of ideas and dreams and hopes all stored away in my head, longing to escape and run wild and free. So many people have told me I should be using my single years to explore, do what I’ve always wanted to do, try new things, travel, etc. But as inviting as that sounds, I want to have those experiences with someone I love. I want to have scrapbooks filled with pictures of us in crazy places doing crazy things, so we can look back at them and laugh at our silly 20-something selves, together.

Maybe I’m missing out on some really grand solo adventures, but I still think they’d be much better with company. :)

Note To Self

Dear Self,

I know you struggle sometimes, but in case I don’t tell you enough, you’re beautiful. Thank you for being so strong and transparent, the world sees you even when you feel invisible. I appreciate your heart and your stubbornness. Your willingness to love even after being discarded and forgotten is admirable. I’m so proud to know that you’re growing to acknowledge your worth in God’s eyes. And if I could tell you one thing it would be this:

You are never as broken as you feel. Sure, you have a couple of scars, and a couple of bad memories, but then again, all great heroes do. Jesus sure does.

God’s got this. All of it. He has a plan for you. I know you’re scared, scared of loss, of rejection, of loneliness, of seeing your dreams fade in the desert of this world, never getting the chance to sprout and grow. But God knit you together, dreams and all. He will bring them to life for you, just you wait and see.