Comfortable Silence


I love people who can hold their own in a conversation. Who can fill in the gaps that I so often leave. Who can gently draw me out, even when I’m not actively trying to participate. Conversely, I love when those same people can just sit quietly with me and not insist on filling the silence. Knowing when something is worth breaking silence for and when it can just go unsaid. It’s a skill few people possess. Most feel extremely uncomfortable with silence.


After writing the above portion of this post, I went and had thanksgiving “dinner” (it was lunch, but whatever) with some good friends of ours, then went and walked about 2 miles on a local dam, came home and did some housework while listening to music from an app that recently appeared on my Android after an update, it’s called “Milk Music”. Pretty neat little app. It lead to the discovery of a song called “One” by Ed Sheeran.

“And all my friends have gone to find
Another place to let their hearts collide
Just promise me, you’ll always be a friend
‘Cause you are the only one.”

The whole song is quite good, but those lyrics particularly spoke to the way I feel sometimes. Like I have to ask for assurance from the people I truly call friends. Assurance that they aren’t going to find a reason to leave me behind. I guess there is no way to truly guarantee it, but love is worth that risk.

On another note, this Sunday I have my interview to become a member at my church. So thrilled to have found a church family that I want to become apart of. That I enjoy actively being apart of. Such a blessing. God is good.

Happy Thanksgiving, from TQG :)

One More

Trust, just one more time.

Love, just one more time.

Let someone in, just one more time.

And after that, do it all once more.

Tomorrow is a new day, just go one more.

You’ve got one hundred steps to go, let’s make it ninety nine.

This song is on my workout playlist, but it’s been an anthem of mine for ages. It’s helped me get back up after the emotional beatings I’ve gone through, reminded me that I don’t have to climb the whole mountain, just take one step in the right direction. One step at a time.

I don’t like being as sensitive as I am sometimes, but I’m slowly realizing that my greatest weakness, the thing that makes me the most vulnerable, also makes me strong, and is my greatest asset. Anyone with a heart can sympathize with others, but to be able to empathize is a gift. Yeah, it makes me more emotional, a bit more quick to tears than I would like, makes me easy to hurt. But it’s also a gift to others. I can shine my light into peoples lives with more ease than most. That’s awesome. It makes me special. I feel the most at home with myself when I let myself feel, open myself up fully and let people in. But it’s just so hard to do. The walls I built myself became a cage, and it’s a daily battle to get out.


When I do manage to get out though, it’s the most amazing feeling ever.

Sometimes it’s just letting myself be silly around people, laughing, being relaxed, that just feels like a little sliver of heaven. Like I could just take that moment, seal it up in a snow globe of memory and revisit it whenever I was feeling down. I wish memories worked that way.

But, they don’t. Which is probably for the best. It keeps me determined to seek new ones, which is a tremendously excellent adventure.

Time Changes Much


Sometimes each little cut on my heart, all the wounds from the past, just ache at once. Even the healed ones light up with phantom pains as the newest still bleed and throb.

“It’s difficult to keep a soft heart when you get hurt. The tendency is to withdraw. Press on. Soft hearts are easily bruised, but survive, while hard hearts crack and crack completely.”

~Eric Wilson, Author


You have to see it to believe it, you say?

God is a fairytale because you can’t see Him?

Let me ask you, then, why do you believe in the wind?

Is it because you see the evidence of it in the swaying of the trees?

Well then, let me be the tree; my life be the branches. Let the changes in my spirit be the evidence of His handy work.

Do you believe in the power of the wind, the way it can break the strongest tree with its invisible hand?

Then believe in God’s hand, which has healed my broken spirit.

Let my life be all the proof you need.

Yes, sometimes seeing is believing, but you must take off your blinders if you really wish to see.

A Tremendous Gift


It’s so misunderstood, friendship… it’s not about what you give or what you get, materially, but about time spent, about loyalty, trust… Knowing that even if they can’t be by your side, they’re at least there when you really need to talk. Maybe they can’t go out to coffee with you every weekend, maybe you don’t talk every single day… But when you need a shoulder, they’ll make you a priority. That’s friendship. And it’s a tremendous, undervalued, difficult to find, hard to keep, beautiful thing.


This weekend, contra dancing and a four year old’s birthday party. Next weekend, a double feature movie after work on Friday and on Saturday a trip to Carrowind’s followed by contra dancing. I’m pretty pleased. The distraction is good for me, and the people I’m spending time with are enjoyable to be around.

Today, I dyed my hair red. Not fire-engine red, just natural red. It’s a very subtle change, but a nice one. Sometimes when you feel like you’ve been punched in the face, changing a few things about the exterior just helps. I’m also intending to grow out the bangs I’ve had since I was like, six years old. That’ll take a while though. And, I’ve been using Proactiv+ for about a week now, trying to work on getting my skin truly clear.

I’ve gotten so many compliments over the last few days, been told I was “really pretty” or that I looked really good without my glasses (my barista knows me a little too well…), and other random compliments. God knows when to inspire people to compliment you when you’re struggling. Even though it’s not my appearance that I’m struggling with, it’s nice nonetheless.

And boy, am I struggling… My thoughts are like a whirlwind, conflicting emotions fighting for control, some encouraging me to never lose hope, others trying to drag me down into the pit from whence I came. The pit of complete solitude and distrust. Sometimes I just crave companionship and closeness, others I just want to be left alone.

I miss my mom’s constant encouragement and guidance during times like this.

On top of everything, my dad has started dating. The 22nd of November is one year since my mom passed, and he’s been going out on dates quite a bit… I just don’t know how to handle it. Everything combined just makes me feel like my whole world is rocky and unstable. I just want to curl up in a heated blanket and forget about the world.

Only by the Grace of my Savior have I been able to make it through these last few days.


Now I’m A Warrior

It’s been a rough week. I’ve been living the “fake it till you feel it” motto and for the sake of patients and coworkers, trying to be my usual self. And boy, am I tired…

Wednesday night I went to the house of a truly awesome family, some folks my Dad used to work with long ago, when their three boys and I were just little munchkins. The husband is an elder at my church, and his wife is such an amazing woman. I’ve adopted her as my “second” mom, she is Godly, wise, and an incredible listener. Knows all the right questions to ask to get to the bottom of what I’m dealing with, and follows it up with truthful, biblical advice and hugs. She’s also raised three sons who are all 1-3 years older than I, and understands how male minds work much better than I do because of this.

She shed some light on my situation, gave me some very encouraging words and helped me see what exactly my role is now, as a friend. I’m stubborn. I can never truly be ditched, I just refuse to give up on people I care about. So, no matter the personal cost to myself, I remain.


I will let people walk away, but I never close the door behind them. If they slam it shut, I refuse to lock it. I’ve mentioned in past posts that I’ve had many people leave me, in various ways, some more painful than others, but one thing remains true about all of them thus far; they always come back.

But y’know what… Even if this time is different, I refuse to stop loving someone who has been so dear to my heart for so long. I will relent, I will take a few steps back, but you better believe they will be covered in prayer every day that I breathe. I don’t believe in temporary friendship, and I can’t find a place in scripture where it says follow your heart or love when you feel like it, but I do see this:

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?

~Jeremiah 17:9

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

~1 Corinthians 13: 1-8

No matter what I feel, no matter the pain that’s been inflicted, no matter how long it takes, I will pray for healing, for reconciliation, for restored friendship. 

Maybe I won’t see it until we meet again when Christ returns, but I know that heartfelt prayer does not go unheard. Even if I don’t get to see the effects of it on this side of Heaven, it will be worth it.

My prayers are more powerful than my presence. And now, I’m a Prayer Warrior.

So if by chance, you’re reading this, Tiger, you will always be my favorite weirdo, and I’ll always be here for you. You have my word.


Job 13:15