What To Make Of This Body I’m Stuck In

In the book Captivating by Stasi Eldridge, one of the main focus points is finding your worth and beauty as a woman in Christ. That we [women] are the crown of Creation, the finishing touch. I won’t go into this much more, if you’re curious, read the book. I highly recommend both women and men read it, as well as it’s companion Wild At Heart by John Eldridge.

The above fact, I really struggle with. I know that God made me beautiful, inside and out, and that He thinks I’m gorgeous.
I know that I am of great worth in His Kingdom, and for spreading the Good News, which I greatly enjoy doing. What I struggle with is seeing myself as physically beautiful, and because of that, I struggle with understanding why anyone else would see me as beautiful.

Now, I have good days, fairly regularly, where I get up and get dressed in the morning, look at myself in the mirror and go “Dang… I look good.” But that feeling doesn’t usually last very long. Even something really dumb, like my hair getting blown into a mess by the wind, or my face breaking out, can make me feel completely unattractive.

Part of this comes from the fact that I’m almost twenty, and I’ve never been asked out or pursued in anyway. In a lot of ways this is a blessing, as I don’t want to go through the heartache of dating someone and breaking up, I want my very first boyfriend to be my husband. But, at the same time, it gets discouraging when you never see anyone take interest in you. My Dad took me out on a date recently and talked to me about this. You start to wonder “Am I even attractive? Do guys even want me at all? Do I have anything to offer?” I know these are lies from Satan, trying to make me feel worthless, but that doesn’t make it easier.

I want guys to be attracted to me because of who I am, not just what I look like. My looks will change, I’ll grow old one day and if my husband is in love with my body instead of who I am, he won’t have a reason to stick around.
I know that who I am is attractive. I have a great personality, I like who I am. But I’m really shy. Especially with guys. So I sometimes fall into the fear that if I can’t look attractive enough to make a guy to want talk to me, then they will ever get to know me and see what kind of person I am. I realize this is really flawed logic. I fight against it regularly, and I often ask God to help me see myself in a different light. He is working in me a lot in this area.

One thing that helps a lot are my awesome friends. Often times when I’m feeling down on myself, they remind me of my beauty. Sometimes it’s just a sweet compliment, but even that can lighten my heart quite a lot. Because I trust them, and they see me through a different lens. Often times, however, I don’t tell them when I’m struggling. I don’t want to feel like I complain about my self image just to get compliments. Not to mention, a compliment that is practically asked for has less weight. It’s the random, unexpected, unsolicited compliments that mean the most to me.

Another thing that helps is making note of and pointing out other peoples attractive attributes. At work, (I work at a local Kohl’s, as well as a Lowe’s) I often will randomly say to passing customers, “You have such pretty hair” or compliment their outfit. Something about noticing good things about people helps me feel more positive about myself. And I know how nice it is to get a compliment from a random stranger. I like to do this to my friends as well. It’s a goal of mine to be encouraging and uplifting to everyone I meet. A very hard goal to accomplish!

So what is the solution to this problem? I’m not completely sure. I’m just taking it day-by-day, trusting and serving God, seeking Him, and learning to actually believe the compliments I get from trusted friends. I’m improving, so I guess it’s working!

Until next time!

~TGQ

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