Pick A Side?

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Often times, when there are people whom I really like, and really want to interact with, the desire to make a good impression, to have them like me, brings back all my past fears and insecurities.  It feels like a cage. I know what I’d like to say, but it’s like I literally can’t speak. And if I try, I stutter and start and stop and get tongue tied, and embarrass myself. Or talk so quietly that they can’t even hear me. Even with people I’ve known for a while, though that is getting better. (I’ve written a few poemish things about this, feel free to check them out at the Poems link under “What do you fancy?”)

Now, with people who I’m, shall we say, not too fond of and/or don’t care if they necessarily like me, I’m fine. And generally they do like me, unless they’re just grumpy, disagreeable people. For example, coworkers. Most of them I like well enough, but I wouldn’t want to make close friends out of them. That being said, I’m always really friendly and jovial with them, and most of them like me. Even the people who are really anti-social like me, because I respect their space and leave them be.

I don’t understand these two sides of me. The outgoing, confident, working girl and the shy, timid girl. I will say that the shy side is much more compassionate and understanding, a better listener, and overall softer in spirit. With some of my close friends, the two “sides” come together as a confident yet tender hearted friend, which I like. I just wish I could keep it that way all the time. But who knows, maybe being this way protects me from being too open with the wrong people.

Whatever the pros and cons of it may be, I still have a lot of room for improvement. And I know I always will.
Just one of those things I have to work a bit harder on. 🙂

~TQG

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