Whims and Musings

I went to Walmart with my mom today, which, oddly enough, put me in a very good mood. I walked by a display of bright nail polish and saw my very favorite shade of green (Bright, springtime, green), so I got it, and painted my nails. I almost never paint my nails, just because they chip so fast and then look bad. But sometimes its fun, and makes me feel girly. (I also never use make-up, because I find it annoying and time consuming.)

Sometimes, during or right after having a hard time with my self-esteem, I tend to gravitate towards things that make me feel more feminine. Nail polish, skirts and dresses, spending a bit more time on my hair in the morning, facials. Stuff like that. (Never make-up though, I really hate make-up.. seriously.) I don’t think it’s an unhealthy thing at all, it isn’t an obsession, it never goes too far. It’s just something I do. It’s like a “recovery ritual”, taking special care of myself helps make me feel a little better after basically beating myself up. 😛

I realized today while I was at the gym that it’s not just me, I’m not fighting against myself. When I have these days, weeks, whatever, where I’m so hard on myself about my physical appearance, it’s Satan attacking me. Trying to tear me down. The days when I look at my reflection and say “eww”, it’s not me attacking myself. It’s Satan, whispering lies to me in such a way that I believe them to be my own thoughts. Because on good days, when I feel the most like myself, there are still things about myself I’m not crazy about, but generally speaking, I like my body. I like how I look. Maybe, if when I have the bad days I make a point to recognize them as attacks, they won’t be as damaging to me.

Just have to wait and see, I guess. 🙂



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