Unnerving

I don’t know if I am unique in this, but I have a nerve that runs down my left arm and into the palm of my hand that makes the word “unnerving” very literal.

Whenever I’m nervous, shy, anxious, angry or emotional, I literally get an ache that runs down my arm and throbs at the base of my left thumb. This morning as I was eating breakfast, my folks where away, I was doing way too much thinking and found myself sitting there, massaging my hand, trying to ease that pesky nerve. Today it was so strong I felt it in my whole arm, all the way through my shoulder and into my chest. It’s a phenomenon I’ve had for as long as I can remember.

Once, I was eating lunch in a room by myself during a break at a homeschool group thing, and two guys came in, one of whom was a jerk, but I had a crush on him (I was stupid back then..), and the other who was a just a jerk. They flipped off the lights and shut the door, and I heard one of them say, “I’ll give you $20 bucks if you go kiss her.” There was a moment of silence, I stood up slowly and said “I will break your face.” They turned the light back on and left me alone. The nerve in my arm throbbed intensely for about an hour after that.

I’m not quite that bold these days, I lost that part of me somewhere along the way. I was fairly quick tempered then, now I tend to just retreat. But that nerve still aches!

I don’t particularly understand it. But I’ve always found it interesting. Sometimes if I have a dream that causes me stress, it will actually wake me up.

I went to the grocery store a week or so ago, and was flirted with by the cashier and bagger. At this store, their baggers are supposed to help you to your car if you have a lot of bulky groceries. I came to the register with a gallon of milk, some yogurt, and a loaf of bread on one arm, while I was texting with the other. I really needed no help, but the bagger very enthusiastically said “I’d be happy to carry these out for you!” And to be quite honest, I was enjoying the attention, so I said “Sure, I’d like that.” and we walked out together as he quizzed me on every aspect of working at a home improvement store and lamented the fact that I was working all weekend, and told me how excited he was to have the weekend off. I didn’t realize until he put the stuff in my trunk and walked away that I had been massaging my arm the whole time. I had thought I was pretty relaxed, but only on the surface, and only because I knew that this conversation had a near and obvious end, so I didn’t have to keep it up for long.

Because, you see, generally if I talk to guys in person for long, it’s because I know their girlfriend or wife. Last night the husband of a girl I know gave me a hug and was like “Man, you look good!” and I wasn’t even the slightest bit phased (even though, I’ll be honest, he’s really hot), because he’s married, and usually he asks me where I got certain bits of my outfit, because he really loves shopping for his wife. (He’s got insane fashion sense for a guy… It’s kinda weird how good he is at it.) I really need to fix this though, because if I only talk to married or already taken guys, I’m never going to find one for myself. Ahh, the complexities of being me.

Praise the Lord that He isn’t easily dissuaded, or He would have given up on me by now.

Until next time!

~TQG

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