Spontaneous

Today I planned to go to Panera Bread and spend time sitting by myself, reading or writing. However, I got a text from one of my friends who wanted to meet for lunch, so I met her there instead. And that was just the first spontaneous adventure for the day.

Next, we went to the Christian bookstore and I found a Tosca Lee book for $3, so I got that. (I can’t say no to cheap books.)

Then, we went to Kohl’s, my former workplace, and I bought a much needed watch, a Batman shirt, and an Avengers shirt that says “Trust me, I’m a Super Hero” (Cause I totally am.)

After that, I picked up some groceries for my mom. On my way home, I was listening to my favorite radio station, Air1Radio. They’re a national station located in California, you can listen online if you don’t have them in your area.ย They’re listener supported, and this month is their pledge drive. I already give them a small monthly donation, but as I was thinking about how I obviously had money to randomly buy books and shirts and watches, I could afford a bit more. So I called in, and they mentioned my name on the air a few minutes later. (Oh, I didn’t call while I was driving by the way. I don’t do that. ๐Ÿ˜€ ) So that was pretty cool.

About twenty minutes ago I registered to be a volunteer at a local VBS this June, for a week. That’ll be fun. Last time I did this, it was truly awesome. Even though I got a bad cold and was forced to dance hip hop style on stage and all the 2nd graders told me I’m a terrible dancer. (I’m way too white for all that hip hop stuff, yo. )

And tonight at 7:30, I’m going to a Bible study. I don’t know what part of the Bible we’ll be studying. I don’t know if it’s just girls or a mixed group. I’ve never even been to this person’s house. But, I’m going anyway! Yay for me and all my courage and adventurousness!

Today, before all of this, I awoke to a horrible, horrible dream. Unlike most of my dreams, I wasn’t even in it. But it was awful. And it woke me up two hours before my alarm. I ended up sleeping on the couch for a while after I got up.

I don’t remember how it came up, but my mom and I were discussing guys and what’s attractive, and my mom made a generalized statement about how “Guys aren’t attracted to girls who share their insecurities with them all the time. Guys want a confident girl who’s secure in herself and isn’t always concerned with being insecure.” and I said “But… that’s almost nonexistent. All girls are insecure to one degree or another..” And she replied “Well, yeah, but you shouldn’t share those insecurities with your guy friends. Especially if they’re someone you’d want to be attracted to you.” I didn’t say anything. But in my head I thought to myself, “Well, there’s my problem. I’m honest about how I’m really feeling instead of pretending to have it all together.”

Is that it? Am I just too honest, too real about what goes on inside me that I push people away? I mean… I am confident in who I am in Christ. I’m even confident that I’m attractive. On some days I feel downright hot. But I’m human, and I have bad days. I have days when I don’t know what the heck God wants me to do. Days when I feel disgusting and unattractive, even thought Iย knowย that isn’t true. Am I wrong to want a guy who can be there for me on days when I’m feeling like hot stuffย and on days when I feel like crap, just as I want to be there for him on his good days and bad days? Am I just suppose to walk around acting like I’m super confident and outgoing and nothing phases me? Because I am confident. But not like that. I’m quietly confident. I’m shy, but I’m not a push-over. I’m quiet, but I have a lot to say. I may not always give my opinion, but I always have one, and it’s an intelligent one. ย And I may not always think I’m pretty, but Iย know that God made me stunning.

Forgive me if wanting someone to like me as Iย really am was wrong.

*coughs* Okay, done ranting now. Off you go!

~TQG

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