Hopeful Orchids

For Mother’s Day, my mom wanted plants, so my Dad and I went plant shopping today.

While we were there, I looked at the Orchids. I love Orchids. I’ve always wanted some, particularly the mini ones in the above color. So pretty. They’re apparently very difficult to keep alive, but I am willing to take the risk. However, I’ve decided I’m not going to buy myself any. I’m going to wait. Eventually, if some guy starts pursuing me, it won’t be that difficult to find out how much I like these, and he can get me some. They’ll mean a lot more to me from him anyway.

I’ve never seen them in blue before. They’re very pretty, but I think I still like that dark pink…

Anyway, that was a random ramble post about Orchids. I realize it’s strange. But hey, pretty pictures!

 

~TQG

Humbled

Did you ever think, when you were a child, what fun it would be if your toys could come to life? Well suppose you could really have brought them to life. Imagine turning a tin soldier into a real little man. It would involve turning the tin into flesh. And suppose the tin soldier did not like it. He is not interested in flesh: all he sees is that the tin is being spoilt. He thinks you are killing him. He will do everything he can to prevent you. He will not be made into a man if he can help it.

What you would have done about that tin soldier I do not know. But what God did about us was this. The Second Person in God, the Son, became human Himself: was born into the world as an actual man– a real man of particular height, with hair of a particular color, speaking a particular language, weighing so many stone. The Eternal Being, who knows everything and who created the whole universe, became not only a man but (before that) a baby, and before that, a fetus inside a Woman’s body. If you want to get the hang of it, think how you would like to become a slug or a crab.

 

~C.S. Lewis

For reflection on Isaiah 9:6

Long & Lonely Road

*There’s a Hawk Nelson song with this title. This post isn not about the song, I just thought the title worked.*

I feel like my whole life thus far as been a crazy, terrifying roller coaster ride.

So much has happened. So much pain, so much hurt, and yet, so much joy.

I can look back at every demolished friendship, every time my hearts been broken, and see how God brought joy out of the tears.

I feel a bit like a Phoenix, dying in the flames each time, but being reborn a better version of myself. A brighter, wiser, holier version of myself. Closer to God, a better friend, a better influence, a better daughter, a better advice giver. Just, better.

This time will be no different. I know that. But from this point, I feel like I’m still simmering in the red hot coals. Slowly burning, from the inside out. And it hurts. And I keep trying to see up the road, just a little, just catch a glimpse of the joy to come, and I just can’t see it. The smoke is too thick, the air too contaminated.

But, there is a difference with this particular heart ache. I haven’t lost anyone. 

With every other heart ache I’ve had, the friendships were never reconciled. Oh, I tried. I would send them cards on their birthdays, email them, show up at a play they’re in and cheer them on. Only to get nasty notes back, “Never try and contact me again, I don’t want anything to do with you anymore, I hate you!” or find blog posts talking about how awful I am and how it’s all my fault and how I’m a “bitch”. And eventually I just had to give up, try to move on.

But not this time. This time there’s acceptance, and understanding, and love, and kindness. Praise God for that. But there is still distance. And the distance kills. And I don’t know how to stop the hurt. I don’t know how to get past it. So far, I’ve let it drive me head first into as much social activity as I can find. Polar opposite to what I’ve done in the past. And it seems to be helping so far.

I don’t know where I’m headed right now. Not that I’ve ever really known, I guess I’m just extra especially clueless at this point.
I keep praying for guidance, comfort, peace, understanding and hope. I get little spurts of it, like caffeine highs. They come for a few hours, or a day, and then crash.

I can’t express how badly I just want a hug sometimes. It is what it is. If I could find a fast forward button I would zip on past all this and go right to where it all works out and everything is better than I expected it to be. The wait is agonizing.

Such is life, I suppose.

 

~TQG