*There’s a Hawk Nelson song with this title. This post isn not about the song, I just thought the title worked.*
I feel like my whole life thus far as been a crazy, terrifying roller coaster ride.
So much has happened. So much pain, so much hurt, and yet, so much joy.
I can look back at every demolished friendship, every time my hearts been broken, and see how God brought joy out of the tears.
I feel a bit like a Phoenix, dying in the flames each time, but being reborn a better version of myself. A brighter, wiser, holier version of myself. Closer to God, a better friend, a better influence, a better daughter, a better advice giver. Just, better.
This time will be no different. I know that. But from this point, I feel like I’m still simmering in the red hot coals. Slowly burning, from the inside out. And it hurts. And I keep trying to see up the road, just a little, just catch a glimpse of the joy to come, and I just can’t see it. The smoke is too thick, the air too contaminated.
But, there is a difference with this particular heart ache. I haven’t lost anyone.
With every other heart ache I’ve had, the friendships were never reconciled. Oh, I tried. I would send them cards on their birthdays, email them, show up at a play they’re in and cheer them on. Only to get nasty notes back, “Never try and contact me again, I don’t want anything to do with you anymore, I hate you!” or find blog posts talking about how awful I am and how it’s all my fault and how I’m a “bitch”. And eventually I just had to give up, try to move on.
But not this time. This time there’s acceptance, and understanding, and love, and kindness. Praise God for that. But there is still distance. And the distance kills. And I don’t know how to stop the hurt. I don’t know how to get past it. So far, I’ve let it drive me head first into as much social activity as I can find. Polar opposite to what I’ve done in the past. And it seems to be helping so far.
I don’t know where I’m headed right now. Not that I’ve ever really known, I guess I’m just extra especially clueless at this point.
I keep praying for guidance, comfort, peace, understanding and hope. I get little spurts of it, like caffeine highs. They come for a few hours, or a day, and then crash.
I can’t express how badly I just want a hug sometimes. It is what it is. If I could find a fast forward button I would zip on past all this and go right to where it all works out and everything is better than I expected it to be. The wait is agonizing.
Such is life, I suppose.