Having just applied some tangerine lip balm, and wearing a super soft tank top misted with Bath & Body Work’s “Sweet Pea”, I am feeling pretty darn girly. Which makes me happy.
This is a big change for me from, oh, 5ish years ago (age 12-15, roughly). I used to flee from all things I deemed “too girly” unless my friends, which I idolized, or a boy I liked thought I should wear or do otherwise. Beyond having bad influences at that age, I was very concerned with appearing weak. I saw dressing up, doing anything besides a pony tail with my hair or anything of that sort as weakness. I wore jeans and a baggy t-shirt to hide the extra pounds I had, and kept my hair out of the way. I acted strong, confident, and blunt most of the time. I never let guys be gentlemen. I could open the door myself, darn it! I could carry my own suitcase!
I’m not entirely sure when I realized that embracing who I am as a woman was something I needed to do. When I decided that being feminine wasn’t a weakness, but actually a strength! A gentler strength than the one that you find in masculinity. A softer strength. I think it was after I lost weight, and started liking my body. I begun to spend more–but not too much–time on my appearance. Giving my hair some style, even if it’s just layered and wavy. Dressing in such a way that shows off my curves a bit, and has a feminine flair.
I didn’t realize until recently that all the years when I was younger, from about 11-14, that I think of as my “outgoing years”, where actually years of hiding myself. Hiding behind the pretense of strength and false confidence. I didn’t really feel confident, which is why I clung to tightly to the expectations of my “friends”. I looked to them to define me. What should I wear? How should I act? I may have been friendly and outgoing, but inside I was searching for someone who could tell me who I was.
And after they all failed me, I switched to a different form of hiding. A hiding within myself. I looked for my identity in books and in being a loner. Praise God I was lead to some very Godly books that re-awakened a passion for Jesus in my heart, and helped me reevaluate my method for making and keeping friends.
Now, I can’t help but wonder… What “stage” am I in now, and what comes after this? Right now I am pretty happy with myself. I like how I look, I’m healthy, I’m beginning to regain my social life with some really great, Godly people. And God is slowly but surely teaching me how to find my worth and value in Him alone. But I still have this deep desire, this longing for a partner. A spouse. Biblically speaking, from what I have found in my own personal study of Scripture, that is normal, and okay, and there’s nothing wrong with having that desire.
But I gotta say, it’s driving me kinda mad. Every where I go I see couples holding hands and walking around together and it’s like “Ohh…. I’d like that..” and I have several female friends who are 19-27, just as single as they can be, feeling exactly the same way. And I’m pretty sure we’re all wondering… Where the heck are all the Godly men looking for wives?! Every time I meet one, they always introduce me to their girlfriends while we’re talking. Maybe I should meet for lunch with one of these girlfriends and ask them, “Where can I find a single one of those?”
I have a couple of very sweet encouraging friends who are always telling me, “Don’t worry, God will bring the right man into your life.” and I can’t help but think of my mid-to-late twenties friends and reply “While I’m still young?”
So, I guess perhaps that is the stage I’m in. The “I’m happy with who I am, now can I please have a husband?” stage.
Ugh… I’m ready for it to pass already.
Ps. To those of you who have the whole “You have to be happy with just Christ before you’ll be happy in a relationship” motto. I am content with Christ. However, just like Adam in the garden before the Fall was in need of a partner, so am I. I was created as Adams ezer kenegdo (I recommend reading “Captivating” by John & Stasi Eldridge to get full understanding of what that means, google isn’t very insightful) and though I don’t need a man, God has given me a great desire for one. And I do not believe that such desires that are Biblical and pure are ones that He will leave unfulfilled.