I should be arrested and put in jail for being too complicated.
I’m meeting new people a lot lately, hanging out with people, it’s great. Lately I’ve even gotten facebook messages from people I just met or barely know saying “Hey, I’d like to get to know you better, we should hangout.” and I’m all “Yeah, sure, that’s awesome… *cough*” I feel slightly overwhelmed. When I’m someone’s true, close friend, I am devoted to them. Entirely. I would go to any length to help them. And I just can’t be that for everyone that wants to befriend me. (This has all been girls, by the way. Just in case you were wondering.)
This seems like a stupid dilemma, I can almost here you going “Oh no, you poor thing, you have too many people who want to be your friend.” I’m sorry… Everyone struggles differently. I just don’t know how to handle this. I can barely keep tract of who I promised to text back about when to hangout, I’ve had to start writing it down in my day planner. Which is great, I am enjoying hanging out with people and making new friends.
I just don’t know how this works. I’ve never had more than two friends whom I hangout with regularly one-on-one. The most was a group of five or six, but I really only connected with a couple of them. This is uncharted territory for me. I don’t know how to be “casual” friends with someone. I’ve tried, and it always feels half-hearted. To be close friends with someone, they have to know me. And I mean really know me. They have to see me cry, know what’s on my heart, know my fears and weaknesses. And I’m not sure I want to give that power over to anyone again.
They ask me questions. Simply ones sometimes, like “Do you think so-and-so is cute?” and I want to just be honest and tell them what I think or feel about it, but instead I just go “Uhm.. I.. uh.. I don’t know…” Knowledge is power. Knowledge about me is knowledge that can be abused. Even if by mistake. And though I don’t distrust the ones doing the asking, I still hesitate to give a straight answer. The more straight forward I am, the more vulnerable I am. I don’t like being vulnerable. It rarely works out well for me.
I suppose I’ll have to test those waters eventually. True companionship is worth the risk of pain…
Anyway, at the risk of leaving you on such a low note, here is a picture that is sadly hilarious.
Until next time!