Phantom Of the Opera is one of my favorite “romantic” movies (it’s actually kinda twisted if you think about it, but that’s a topic for another post) and on the soundtrack there is a song called “Learn to be Lonely” that I hate with every fiber of my being, because it feels so accurate.
I know I’m not truly alone, I have Christ, and my parents. But the friends I’m really close to are across the US from me, and the people I know locally I find hard to connect with. And I try to just cope, to go to work and go to the gym and be productive, but truthfully,
I am so lonely.
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before, but my mom is very ill. She has an auto-immune disease that attacks the lungs and muscles, so she’s very weak, gets worn out easily, and she’s on 24 hour oxygen to keep from feeling so lethargic. There is no cure, nothing really truly helps. It either stays the same or gets worse, unless God chooses to heal her. Due to this, she doesn’t often leave the house, and she doesn’t like having many people over, since she can very easily get sick from new germs and in her fragile condition, it could be deadly. I know she’s lonely too, but all I can really do is pray for a miracle…
Because of this, I can’t really invite people over. Or at least not often. And if I go out to spend time with someone, I get regular texts from her, “Where are you guys now?”, “Are you having fun?”, “Are you coming home soon?” etc. She’s lonely, and I get that. But it’s also making it really difficult for me to get out and socialize. I haven’t been to church in months, because my Dad usually works Sundays, so if I go, my mom is left home alone. After church I usually hang out with some folks and go to lunch, getting home around 2pm. She doesn’t like being alone that long, and she usually wants me to be back right after church and bring her lunch. She’s not selfish, and it’s not her fault, I’m certainly not trying to blame her from my lack of a social life. But her illness is definitely a contributing factor in it all. And there isn’t anything either of us can do about it. It just is.
I don’t know what the answer is, all I know is I feel emotionally dead much of the time, with moments of brightness when I get to talk to my close (yet long distance) friends. On the 4th I got to talk on the phone with a friend of mine who’s been a counselor at a camp all summer and thus is only able to talk on the weekends. (I’m sure I drive him a bit crazy on those weekends, haha) And I feel so much better after things like that. Just some laughter and silliness and getting to enjoy a bit of companionship.
Maybe I need to save up and buy a state and move all my friends there….