Sometimes you get a splinter. Figuratively speaking, something small causes a small amount of pain. And then some time later, maybe hours, maybe days, maybe weeks or months, something bigger happens. And some time after that, something even bigger. And some time after that, something pretty dang big. And some time after that, A FLIPPING HUGE thing. And suddenly your feel like there’s an elephant sitting on your chest, and you can’t breathe, and you can’t talk, and you can’t see clearly through the tears.
Sometimes it’s all just entirely too much. And if God wasn’t holding me up, taking some of that weight, holding my hand and helping me through, I’d be squished by that elephant by now. But even with His help, it’s still hard to breathe.
My 21st birthday is in 8 days, and I just want to crawl under a rock and not talk to anyone and not say anything or do anything or be anything. I want to stop smiling and acting like I’m okay, like nothing’s going on. Because I’m the Christian girl, I’m supposed to have it all together, I’m supposed to be okay. But you know what? Being a Christian doesn’t mean I have it all together, it means I was falling apart, and God put those pieces back together with his grace and mercy. It means that when I cry myself to sleep, there’s someone listening, someone holding my heart, keeping it from giving up. It doesn’t mean I’ll never have bad days, bad weeks, bad months or bad years, it means I won’t have to face them alone. I have a right to feel my pain, I have a right to show it, I have a right to be a mess sometimes.
And God gets that, Hallelujah. Jesus wept. He felt that the burden was too heavy and asked the Father to take it from him. Elyon, give me the strength to say “but not my will, Your will be done”.