“…groans too deep for words.” (Romans 8)

I have a board on Pinterest that I add to whenever I’m really struggling with missing my mom. Because sometimes I can find words in a pin that I can’t find in my heart, because there are pains too deep for words. If you’re interested in checking it out (warning, it’s probably kinda depressing) here’s the link.

I’m comforted by the fact that even when I have no words to express how I feel, God hears my hearts cry.

 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words. And God, who searches the heart, knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:26-28)

I know that there are some who don’t understand why I’m not angry at God for taking my mom. And I’ll be honest, sometimes do get angry, but I always spend extra time talking to God when I am, and He always soothes my heart. I prayed for my mom’s healing, and God healed her permanently. She will never shed another tear, never again will she struggle to breathe. She’s been healed beyond my wildest dreams, and I will get to see her again. And though she’s not right here where I can talk to her and see her anymore, I know she’s still praying for me. Constantly going to the Father on my behalf. And I know she’s watching me try my hardest to be the “woman of the house”, and she’s proud of me.

What hurts the most is knowing that she won’t be at my wedding. She won’t be able to babysit my children, they won’t have the benefit of having her as their grandma. So many people that I know never got to meet her, and that really bothers me. She was so important, such a huge part of my life, that I feel like you can’t really know or understand me unless you’ve met her.

The night she died, I spent almost the entire night sitting on my couch in the dark, across the room from one of my close friends who knew her well. I just sat and alternated between crying so hard I couldn’t breath, and being totally numb. And sometimes I could hear her crying too, and that meant more than anything to me. Because you can’t cry over someone you didn’t love. I needed the company of someone who needed to cry too.

And I always will. Any friends I have who knew and loved my mom have become limited edition. More valuable than they can understand. All people are special and irreplaceable, don’t get me wrong. I just can’t help but want to protect those few that can not only understand my pain, but remind me of the memories that keep her alive in my heart. Anyone can say “I know that must be hard, and I’m here for you”, but only a few can end it with “you remember that time she said____”. There is something so healing about smiling when your heart aches. Letting a memory give your heart a hug when it feels like it’s falling apart.

Anyway, that’s my thought(s) for the time being. I know I’m not the only one struggling with loss, I hope that God uses posts like this to help others going through the same thing. Please, feel free to drop me a comment if God used something I’ve written to comfort your heart. I’d love to hear from you. 🙂



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