Distractions

This weekend, contra dancing and a four year old’s birthday party. Next weekend, a double feature movie after work on Friday and on Saturday a trip to Carrowind’s followed by contra dancing. I’m pretty pleased. The distraction is good for me, and the people I’m spending time with are enjoyable to be around.

Today, I dyed my hair red. Not fire-engine red, just natural red. It’s a very subtle change, but a nice one. Sometimes when you feel like you’ve been punched in the face, changing a few things about the exterior just helps. I’m also intending to grow out the bangs I’ve had since I was like, six years old. That’ll take a while though. And, I’ve been using Proactiv+ for about a week now, trying to work on getting my skin truly clear.

I’ve gotten so many compliments over the last few days, been told I was “really pretty” or that I looked really good without my glasses (my barista knows me a little too well…), and other random compliments. God knows when to inspire people to compliment you when you’re struggling. Even though it’s not my appearance that I’m struggling with, it’s nice nonetheless.

And boy, am I struggling… My thoughts are like a whirlwind, conflicting emotions fighting for control, some encouraging me to never lose hope, others trying to drag me down into the pit from whence I came. The pit of complete solitude and distrust. Sometimes I just crave companionship and closeness, others I just want to be left alone.

I miss my mom’s constant encouragement and guidance during times like this.

On top of everything, my dad has started dating. The 22nd of November is one year since my mom passed, and he’s been going out on dates quite a bit… I just don’t know how to handle it. Everything combined just makes me feel like my whole world is rocky and unstable. I just want to curl up in a heated blanket and forget about the world.

Only by the Grace of my Savior have I been able to make it through these last few days.

~TQG

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