“…I might obey my way into suffering, but I will not sin my way into suffering.”
No idea what the title of this song is, nor the rest of the lyrics. But, I love this part.
“If the whole world were watching, I’d still dance with you.
Drive highways and biways to be there with you.
Over and over there’s only one truth,
Everything comes back to you.
You still make me nervous when you walk in the room,
Those butterflies, they come alive, when I’m next to you.
Over and over there’s only one truth,
Everything comes back to you.”
Apologies for taking such huge breaks between posts. I have had a lot going on! Such as:
- Ever present possibility that I have to move suddenly (I live alone, but it’s my dad’s house, and it is on the market).
- Going through some difficult times relationally.
- Full-time job
- Studying for my COA (Certified Ophthalmic Assistant) exam.
BUT I HAVE GOOD NEWS! I PASSED MY COA TEST! I am officially, Moriah, COA, OSC.
I am super excited about it. I wanted to share something interesting that happened while I was preparing for the test.
One afternoon, I was studying and feeling very overwhelmed. So, I prayed, and I asked God to please help me stay calm, remember what I was studying, and help me pass the test.
And he gently nudged my heart and says;
“You ask for an awful lot from someone you never spend time with. How about you put Me first, make spending time in My word priority, and then, we’ll see.”
I felt kinda convicted. So, I began reading at least one chapter of scripture and spending time in prayer daily before I would allow myself to study. I still studied, but devoted time to both studying ophthalmology and the bible. And I passed my test. 🙂 God is awesome.
Prayer request for you all! My best friend has to move on Dec. 20th. He still does not know where he will be moving to, but so far his only option is 45+ minutes farther away from his jobs (he has four jobs… yeah…), and farther from me (super-sad face emoji). Please pray that God will provide him a place that is closer, more convenient, and in a good price range. Preferably with a roommate that can split the costs with him.
Anyway, I’m off to do some reading before bed! TTFN!
I had my heart bruised last night. Not broken. Just really badly bruised. So, riding a roller coaster today. It coasts along at a semi-conversating state, then dips a little into the emotionless dead air zone, before diving headlong into the tears-that-just-won’t-stop drop that leaves you feeling like your heart wasn’t able to handle the speed and just got left back on the tracts somewhere.
As with a several fellow Empaths I’ve met, when we hurt, it changes the way we receive the emotions of others. Some temporarily lose their ability to feel others emotions because their own are too strong. Other’s still feel them, but can’t discern them well or find their origins. Usually I am of the former variety. But today, I experienced something new. I felt more. My own pain left me wide open to feel others pain, or happiness, or cruelty, or kindness… I felt like I was feeding off of them.
Also, I became extremely aware how different it must be to not be an Empath. Almost no one noticed that I was struggling. And I’m not a great actress. Not that I needed or wanted to be noticed or acknowledged, but it amazed me the lack of … awareness, that people have for the emotional states of others.
I’m an INFJ, we’re naturally Empathic, and generally fall into the “HSP” (highly sensitive person”) category as well. Meaning our nervous systems are often wired in such a way that we react more strongly to things and feel things more intensely than is “normal”. We tend to have low pain tolerance, to dislike temperature, sound, light, or people extremes, (too hot, too loud, too bright, too crowded, etc). For example, I hate florescent lighting. It just grates on my every nerve. I work in a building with almost entirely florescent lighting, so I often sit in the dark without lights when I can. Drives my coworkers crazy. Sudden noises make me jump even when I see them coming. Also, emotions are strong. There’s no such thing as half-way for me. I either like you, or I don’t (required to love all people because Jesus does, but I don’t have to LIKE you), I trust you, or I don’t (though I will discern at times what degrees of trust should be allotted and trust people with certain things but not others). The words “I love you” are weighty to me. Very strong. Very important. Difficult for me to use with many. But once I’ve said them, it’s set in stone. Yes, I’m required to love everyone. But love is a verb. When you find someone who you also love with your emotions as well as your actions, it is so much more intense and binding and… wonderful. And painful. And terrifying. And incredible.
I know, this is random and disjointed and makes no sense. Welcome to my world, as it is for now. Pray for me. I have a deep ache in my heart and I’m confused and I need comfort and understanding.
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
God has set me free from sin, temptations, and fear. I am no longer a slave.
He has set me free from secrets, self-doubt, self-loathing and condemnation.
Stepping into the light, letting His glory shine down on even my darkest parts, He has made me new. Clean. Forgiven. A spotless bride before His throne.
I cannot express how extremely grateful I am that He loved me enough to not only die for me, but pursue me and woo me, take time and effort and endless resources to make sure that I know how loved and cherished I am to Him.
Where once I was bound by the flesh, He has severed my chains and given me life, eternal! Hallelujah!
I am currently waiting for for my favorite dude to get off work, as he has my car at the moment, and I told him I would help him cook this evening. (Mostly just keep him company while he cooks, he’s a better cook than I am by far.) And was just struck with the desire to express how awesome God has been to me. And that He longs to do the same for you. If you don’t know Christ as your Savior and Father, you are missing out on something spectacular. Not fire insurance, but on a relationship that far surpasses any earthly relationship you could ever make. God is seeking after you, to save you from yourself. And His love for you is greater than anything you could possibly imagine.
If you’re interested in finding out more, or have questions, please feel free to comment on this post and leave me a way to contact you, and I will be happy to reply. 🙂
Anyway, that’s all I really have to say at the moment. Hopefully my dude will show up soon. I have a hug for him that I’ve been saving all day! 😀
Not going to explain my title. You can just wonder your little heart out. It’s a mystery! (Oooh!)
I have spent more time devoted to pray in these last 3 1/2 days than I have in years. Also, I’ve spent more time in my bible per day than I ever have. I’ve done some reading during breakfast, while on lunch break, and right before bed. I’ve spent more time seeking counsel from people whom I trust to be solid believers that I have in…. literally forever.
And I have my answer. It’s firm, it’s supported by my mentors, my family, and most importantly, by scripture. My heart is a peace with this answer, totally. Every time I pray, every time I seek Him, every time I read (and I’m not selectively reading what I think will support my desires, trust me), I become more and more assured of what God wants for me. I’ve gone on walks and prayed out loud to God and been reassured. I’ve prayed in my head while I’m working up patients and been reassured. I’ve sang worship songs in the shower and been overwhelmingly reassured and comforted and wrapped up in God’s love.
I am not anxious, or worried, or fearful. I’ve never been so sure about something in my entire life.
However, I’m not the only human mind in this decision. So, I am restless. God has been so good to me, He has blessed me with frequent encouragers, kind coworkers, and good sleep (a very important gift!) as I have been fighting this restlessness. So ready for the conclusion. As encouraged and reassured as I have been about the outcome, I still won’t be totally at rest until I see it for myself. *sigh* Faith is hard. Leaning on God is hard. Not because of Him, but because of me. He’s proved me wrong in my worrying every single time in my life up until now, why I can’t just leap off the cliff and trust Him to catch me, I may never know… I guess thats a part of being human.
I’m running out of edge though. I’m slowly sliding off that cliff. He will catch me, but that doesn’t mean I won’t get an adrenaline rush on my way down.
As I look back through my almost 23 years of life, I see all the people I’ve loved and lost, from dear friends who walked out of my life, to my mother who went to be with Jesus long before those of us here on earth were ready to let her go, I see something amazing.
With every loss, He brought something amazing out of it. Through each loss, He pushed me closer and close to Himself, and closer to finding a body of believers I can depend on, who will come alongside me in times of trouble. I am so extremely blessed.
Recently I was looking through some old letters written to me by people who called themselves my friends, but in reality proved to be just chapters in my life story, meant to fade away when the pages turned and the plot twisted. These letters used to make me cry every time I read them, and now, for the first time, I was able to let them go. I put them in a box and set it by the curb to be collected with the trash. I no longer need to revisit those memories.
God has brought me to a place of comfort in His love that I have never had before. He has brought me back to Himself. He is my first love. And though I still struggle with self-doubt at times, He never fails to provide me with perfect reminders of His love for me.
Today I fasted from solid foods (my hypoglycemia requires that I at least have protein shakes so I don’t literally pass out 😛 ) and spent more time devoted to prayer than I have in a while. I’m praying for a situation in my life that is very dear to my heart and very important to me. But no matter how this situation plays out, I have come to realize something. I cannot lose my first love. He will always keep me near to Him, He will always be true to His word. He has chosen me as His pure bride. He is all that I need.
Does that mean I cannot be hurt by circumstances? No. Honestly, though I feel I know what His will is for this situation, but if it ends up hurting me, I will survive. I will move on from it. Yes, it will be painful, but He will see me through. I am earnestly seeking His will now and asking that I do not have to go through that pain.
“And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.”
“Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.”
“If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.”
“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”
“If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.”
“You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should remain, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you.”
“In that day you will ask nothing of me. Truly, truly, I say to you, whatever you ask of the Father in my name, he will give it to you. Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full.”
” But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways”
“and whatever we ask we receive from him, because we keep his commandments and do what pleases him.”
~ 1 John 3:22
I have sought counsel of older, wiser believers, and I have petitioned my King to give me peace about this if I am acting within His will. And I have complete peace. It is all in His capable hands, the same hands that knit the universe together. He holds my heart. I am safe, I am loved, I am chosen.
Boldly, I approach the throne of my Lover and make my request.
Thank you, Jesus, for being approachable, for caring about my heart, and for answering my prayers in ways I never would have imagined. You have outdone yourself time and time again, and I know this will be no exception. Only you are deserving of my praise. You are big enough to handle my hopes and dreams, loving enough to handle my heart with tenderness. I am forever in awe.
A lot has happened since my last post…
Chiefly, the friend I went on the “Great Salsa Adventure” with is courting me now. We’ve discussed so many things and spent a lot of time talking over our pet peeves and expectations and opinions on things, it’s been amazing. And now, though he is waiting until June 2017 for God to give him assurance that we are supposed to be married, we are planning on attending pre-marital counseling to see if they can help us figure out if we’ve missed any important topics of discussion.
We take a lot of long walks and mini adventures together, spend many an evening cooking wonderful meals together and watching quirky anime shows and movies I’ve never heard of. We laugh until we can hardly breathe, tease each other, and over-all just have a fantastic time together.
All these years, praying for a Godly man, I never thought God would go so above and beyond my expectations. I feel so honored, respected and loved. And I can’t wait to see what He has in store for us as we continue our adventure together.
For those of you waiting for your knight in shining armor, stop looking. Just let him come. He won’t be what you hope for. He will be far, far greater.
Also, my Dad got remarried, moved in with his new wife, and I am living alone. Trying to find a new place to live so when the house sells, I’m not forced to move in with my stepmom’s house with her two kids. Introvert me does not want live-in siblings. 😛
Anyway, yes. Lots of changes. ^_^
I hope, twenty years from now, you’ll stand in line at the store, lost in your own thoughts, and feel a tap on your shoulder.
I hope the face of a friend from years and years ago will greet with you with a smile and a warm hug, and ask you how your life has been.
I hope they’ll laugh at your stories, and tell you how great you look, and mention my name.
I hope, with all my heart, that you will not say
“Oh, her? I haven’t seen her in ages.”
“I almost forgot about her!”
“Ah, she.. that didn’t work out.”
I hope, instead, that they see a gleam in your eye,
A joy in your heart, as you say,
“She’s waiting for me at home.”
No, not salsa dancing, though I suppose that would be a fun adventure as well. Allow me to elaborate on my salsa adventure this last weekend.
So, a friend of mine came over for dinner one night, and he left a jar of salsa in my refrigerator by mistake. Shortly after he left, he texts me:
“My salsa got left behind. O.O”
“I just noticed that. That’s okay. I’ll hold it hostage. The fee to get it back will be some kind of fun mini adventure. Until then, I’ll keep it safe.”
Little did I know what I had begun.
His suggestion was to go 2 1/2 hours away to visit his good friends, he is the godfather of their children, and spend the weekend with them. I live in South Carolina, we were heading to North Carolina. If you’ve been watching the news last weekend, you may have seen that we had a rather blustery winter weekend. Blizzards and icy roads and whatnot. Many told us we were insane to drive north in such weather, but did we listen? NO. We were determined! My dad insisted I bring heavy winter jacket and a blanket, just in case something happened and we were stranded on the side of the road.
“We’ll be fine Dad,” I say. “we’re not going to be stranded on the side of the road.”
Parents have a way of being somewhat prophetic.
About an hour (ish) into our trip, we passed by a wreck on the highway. The roads were bad off, but as long as you kept fairly slow and didn’t do anything sudden, it was fine. Apparently the car in front of us didn’t know this rule. For whatever reason, they stopped quite suddenly in front of us, and even though we were pretty far off their back end, the ice made it impossible to stop in time. We ran right into them.
We then found ourselves…. stranded…. on the side of the road. I put on my winter jacket and knew that I would never hear the end of this from my father. Ever. But, regardless, he was wise to insist on my bringing it. The other vehicle was far less damaged, and drove away without an issue. No injuries for either cars passengers.
My friend and I laughed. A lot. I’m not sure if the adrenaline just needed a place to go, but we were happy to be alive and unharmed and just sort of giggled and cracked jokes to one another as the cop wrote his report and called a wrecker to come get us. He asked us where we wanted to be dropped off, and if we had called someone to come from home to get us. We told him we wanted to continue on our journey to NC, and to drop us at a 24 hour store. He looked at us like we were slightly insane. (We have decided we probably are.) After unloading poor little squished Turbo, and finishing talking to his insurance company, we were told they would not provide us with a rental. We found ourselves stranded at semi-run down 24 hour gas station. At night.
Determined to journey on, we called every taxi service we could find on the internet (yay, smart phones!) but all of them were closed due to weather, or didn’t serve the area we were in. Finally, we found a taxi service listed as “A Taxi”, which specifically stated it was a night taxi, and said in it’s description “We’ll get ya there!”. It seemed promising. So we called.
The guy who answered informed us that yes, he did have a taxi service. Before his taxi exploded. He was now out of business, but yellow pages had not removed his number from the site despite asking many times. He apologized and said it would probably be better if we found someone else.
However, my travel buddy is not one to give up easily. He told our out of service taxi friend our story. Finally the guy (His name was David!) told us if we couldn’t find anyone else, he would come get us in his personal car. We tried a few other numbers with no luck, and before we could call him back, he texts us to tell us he’ll do it. For about $150, to drive us all the way to our destination. By this time, it was about 9:30, we left my house at 5:45ish for our “two hour” trip. He told us he would be there to get us at 10:40.
So we sat on the floor and chatted and waited. The gas station attendants told us we should just consider getting a motel room for the night and continuing tomorrow, but we were dead set. And at about 10:50, our guy arrived. The drive was long, fairly treacherous, and very, very slow. We finished the remaining hour and a half worth of driving at 1am. The snow was falling sideways, and we were literally the only ones on the road, except for one SUV pulling people on a sled down the middle of the road. (At 12:45 in the morning!) Upon arriving at our destination, David told us he decided to drop the price to $135. So we paid him and thanked him profusely for his time and effort.
We made it. Bruised, exhausted, but exhilarated, we made a 2 and a half hour trip in 8ish hours. It was great.
The next day, we secured a rental car for our trip home, and spent the day relaxing, playing board and video games and enjoying one another’s company, telling stories and having a very good time.
Our trip home was much less eventful, thankfully. I think we had enough unexpected thrill for one trip. We made it back in the correct amount of time, safe and sound, filled with new stories and memories. The best of adventures.
Also, my friend has found a new car already, and it’s super cool.
We may be insane, but our insanity lead us on such a grand adventure! I didn’t realize how much I liked adventures, such as this, until now. I’ve never had friends who were up for road trips, or friends that I wanted to be stuck in a car with for hours, actually. I love my friends, but I only have a few who are the type that don’t wear me out, and they’re gainfully employed or in school or married and can’t just go have adventures whenever. This trip brought to life a little place in my heart and mind that had been in a deep slumber. The part of me that loves venturing into the unknown just to see whats there, to learn by experience, try new things, and stay the path even when it looks bleak.
January 2016 is coming to a close faster than I could have imagined, and I didn’t intend to start this year with a bang in such a literal sense, but it was totally worth it.