Beauty from Ashes

Okay! It’s been an eventful few months. God has been so incredibly faithful. On Dec. 30th, everything exploded with my ex, seen in the last two posts. We can call him “He Who Shall Not Be Named”. And after some time spent just, being hurt and mad and dealing with a lot of self doubt, I decided I would get back out there, as it were. Thinking that it would surely take me months of talking to a lot of “trash” guys before I found anyone worth meeting. Armed with new paranoias, new fears, and new walls guarding my heart, I rejoined the dating app I’d been on, as well as turning on the “dating” feature of Facebook.

As I expected, most of the men who contacted me were pretty much just looking for one night stands (despite the fact that my profiles obviously showed me to not be that kinda girl), or men who thought you simply HAD to have sex with someone to know if you were “compatible”. Few conversations lasted more than a day, if that. I asked a lot of tough, pointed questions and successfully scared off a number of men who were not interested in anything long term or serious.

However. Sometime in early January, maybe the first week of January even? Not sure. I got a message from a guy who seemed… interesting. Joseph. Not like the rest. But, He Who Shall Not Be Named seemed like that too!! So, with much trepidation, I did my very best to scare this one off. I asked a lot of intense questions. I never complimented him, or flirted with him at all, despite his very sweet compliments and respectful flirting towards me. I eventually agreed to meet him for a walk across a local dam. Which went well. I did a lot of listening, answering his questions, but not offering a lot of myself. I invited him to come contra dancing with my a week or so later. Which he gladly agreed to, despite having never done it before. He sent (and continues to do so) a Bible verse and a prayer, each morning, when he got up. Talked to me throughout the day. Sent me cute memes and gifs.

He came to contra, and it went well! He picked it up pretty quickly, and didn’t seem at all phased by the fact that I danced mostly with other men the entire time. Still keeping my distance. Physically and emotionally. But he was growing on me… Though I refused to admit that even to myself.

I invited him to a house concert I was hosting at my dad’s house. Insisting that if he wanted to continue to see me, he had to meet my dad. On the third date. He was understandably nervous, but not at all put off by this request. I told him if that meeting went well, we could have a movie night at my house the following day.

He came, yet again! And talked to my dad, and my stepmom, and her sister, and a lot of other friends and family and acquaintances of mine. While I mostly avoided him. My stepmom kept telling me I should go talk to him, and I kept telling her “I’m still testing him. He’s fine. I’ll talk to him when I’m ready.”

The night went well, I did eventually talk to him some, and we did have the movie night. Which also went well! He asked to hold my hand that night. And I let him. And I had a little moment of panic as I realized that I was very quickly developing feelings for this guy that I’d just met, so soon after going through the worse relationship ever. I made my panic known to him. He handled it very sweetly. Explained that he did not want to scare me off, and that he didn’t want to move too fast and make me feel rushed into anything. That he was happy to go as slow as I needed. After a good nights sleep, I woke up the next day and went to his church with him, feeling less panicked than I had been, and more okay with how things were going.

Since then, a lot has happened. You’d think, it’s been what, not quite a full two months, how can you possibly have moved much farther forward than that? Honestly, it’s a God thing. That’s all I can say. I was on the phone with my stepmom the other day, discussing plans to get engaged and married and find a house, and she says to me “Moriah, it’s amazing how things with He Who Must Not Be Named (yes, she actually calls him that, too) already seem like they happened forever ago. Joseph has just, wiped that slate completely clean, God used him to help heal your heart from that. And I can see how much better you feel about this relationship, there’s no insecurities and no wondering what he’s thinking… I love it. And I’m so happy for you!”

So, what I thought was a very rocky and depressing start to 2020, has become a really exciting and hope-filled time of new life. New dreams. Beauty and love, and learning how to trust again. I cannot wait to walk hand-in-hand with Joseph into the future that God is building for us, together.

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Liar

 

Remember my post about being pursued by an amazing man?

Long, twisted, elaborate web of lies and deceit story made short, he was engaged to a lovely woman in the Philippines. He met me on a dating app, pursued me for 3 months, and eventually took advantage of me sexually, telling me he loved me and wanted to marry me, all while engaged to someone else. He took my first kiss. He touched me inappropriately. His fiancée found out about me, and I found out the entire truth when she and I connected and were able to compare notes. Videos of him denying he was with me, while I was in the restaurant waiting for him to return. Messages of him denying me. Screenshots. Voicemails. Video chats. So many lies.

His fiancée and I are friends now. She is precious. We’ve gotten to talk on the phone. God is giving both of us comfort in one another as we try and make sense of the way Philip used us both for his own pleasure.

Let this be a cautionary tale. If the man you’re with hasn’t told his family about you. Never talks on the phone around you, insists on leaving the room to answer. If he tells you he wants to protect your purity, but then does not act that out. Run. He does not love you.

 

This Guy

 

This guy I’m seeing. What can I say? He’s pursuing my heart with such gentleness and respect, I can’t recall ever feeling so valuable. It’s lovely. It’s beautiful. It’s still so new and so fresh, I’m looking forward to seeing where it all goes. But as it stands, it’s looking pretty awesome.

Ex-Suitor Appreciation Post!

I know so many people who have been hurt and heartbroken by their past boyfriends or girlfriends. So many who have emotional scars and trust issues, who had put their best out there and been taken advantage of. They have regrets about how their relationships formed, how they ended, the decisions they made along the way. My heart aches for them. Deeply.

Me, I have a different story to share. In June of 2015, three months after beginning a new and intimidating career, and 7 months after losing my mom, I attended a pool party and met this guy named Peter. He would not leave me alone at first. He was driving me crazy. Until eventually he said to me “You’re an introvert, aren’t you? I’ll leave you alone for a bit and come back later when you’re more comfortable.”
That made an impression on me. We traded phone numbers, with the intention of going contra dancing together. We eventually started hanging out, spending a lot of time together. 9 months or so later, he asked me if we could begin courting. And we courted for 6 amazing months. He treated me with such respect, such care. He protected my heart valiantly even when I made that difficult. He raised my standards of what it means to be a man, and what it means to pursue a relationship in a Godly, Biblical way.
No, we didn’t end up getting married. We also never kissed, never slept together, never selfishly sought to satisfy our physical desires at the expense of the other.
We made a commitment early on that we would not allow our courtship to change our friendship, and in September of 2016, when we ended our courtship, we put that commitment truly to the test. Three years have passed, and this man has done nothing but impress me. I’m so glad he’s committed to being single for life because honestly no woman is good enough for him. I’m so blessed to call him my friend, and to have gotten to share my first courtship experience with him.

Whoever my future husband is, he has Peter to thank for so much. I’m a better woman because of my relationship with Peter. I am more prepared to be a wife, a helpmeet, and prayer warrior. I’m less fearful of change, more spontaneous, more adventurous, and more confident. I’m a better communicator, better problem solver, better conflict resolver, because of the experience I had with Peter. Truly, THIS is what Godly courtship is. We grew together so much, and I’m so so blessed that three years post-courtship we are still great friends. To God be the glory. My heart is so full, and I look forward to the day my love story with my husband begins, he better be okay with me having multiple dude friends because I’m not giving them up for anything.

(He dresses weird but I like it…)

New Years Thoughts for 2019

I want to be kind, honest, pure of heart.

I want to be courageous, wise, and noble.

I want to be just.

I want to be above gossip.

I want my conscience to be clear at all times.

And to rest, knowing there is nothing I have done to hurt anyone around me.

I want to be worthy, to the best of my human ability, of the royal title that I bear; Daughter of the One True King.

A little birdie told me…

So occasionally I have little bullet point thoughts 💭. They’re short and to the point and not really worthy of a full blog. But I still wanna get them out there. So I made a twitter account for this purpose.

TQG Twitter

Please feel free to follow me if you’re a Twitterer too! 😉

Fish Love 🐠 ❤️

So I was talking with one of my super awesome dude friends late last night after we had a fabulous adventure day at Carowinds Season Passholder Preview Night, and he shared a super cool thing. He gave me permission to share it with you all.

There was a Jewish man who once saw a guy eating a fish, and he said:

“Oh, enjoying that meal are you?”

and the man said, “Oh yes! I love fish!”

“You love fish? You love it so much that you killed it, skinned it, cooked it and ate it?”

So much of what we call “love” is fish love. We love something because it gives us gratification or pleasure. We don’t actually care about the well being of the person, place, or thing when we say we “love” it. What we are actually saying is that we love the feeling it gives us. If we really loved the fish, we would care for it, provide for it’s needs, give it a good place to live with fresh clean water and food. And then we would be both satisfying it’s desires and needs as well as our own, because if we really loved it, our satisfaction would be found in the act of providing for it.

You cannot separate love from Jesus. Real, true love, is the desire to provide for, satisfy, and care for the object of our affection regardless of how we feel or what we get in return. Only Jesus can sustain that type of love within us, because He is constantly pouring His selfless love into us from the moment we accept His forgiveness.

This is why so many marriages and relationships fail. We are shown through TV and movies that love is that spark, that “love at first sight” moment followed by romance, sex, and falling “madly in love”, where your passions are so strong you just can’t stay away from one another. And that is not love. That is lust. It’s the love of ourselves, our own gratification, and the feeling of being accepted and adored. Sure, it’s consensual and both parties are equally taking advantage of one another without complaint. But, a few months, a few years down the road, when desires and passions change and fade, and things start to become less like a thrilling rollercoaster ride and more like a long trudging journey uphill, suddenly “the spark is gone”, “I’m just not in love with you anymore”, and heartache, divorce, affairs… Suddenly they start seeking the feeling of “love” again elsewhere, thinking they perhaps married the wrong person, or just that “the love is gone”. No, dears. The lust is gone. The gratification is gone. And since, though you refuse to acknowledge it, you were in it for the thrill of gratification, you aren’t really interested in sticking around for the long haul. You were in it for the fish love. And well, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

Jesus doesn’t love us because we have so much to bring to the table. Actually, we bring absolutely nothing to the table. We come to the table with empty stomachs and dirty hands, hoping for a few crumbs. And Jesus cleans us up, dresses us in His own clean clothes, sits us in the seat of highest honor, and serves us humbly the best of the harvest. His satisfaction in us is to care for us. Our satisfaction in Him is to serve Him, and our joy in Him is to share His love with everyone we meet. Because why let a lost world sit in rags, begging for crumbs, when we have a Savior who longs to take us under His wing?

Japanese Cherry Blossoms

So, it’s been a grand total of forever since I have blogged about… well… Anything. So, allow me to give you a brief update (be aware I did not read my last post and don’t remember what I have or have not already told you all) :

I am 24 now! *gasp* SO OLD.

I live in a house with a roommate and no longer in my childhood home or with my Dad. I have real adult bills like rent and utilities and renters insurance now. Yup. Life.

I am a COA, OSC (Certified Ophthalmic Technician and Ophthalmic Scribe Certified) now, as of Dec. of last year (so I am sure I must have told you this… hopefully.)

I am STILL SINGLE. Or really single now. As I was in a courtship with my best friend, who is still my best friend, who I am still madly in love with, but who has chosen to spend the rest of his life with Jesus and be celibate. (But still my best friend, because friendship should not end just because the courtship didn’t end in marriage, fyi.)

I have made a NEW FRIEND, who has the most awesome testimony ever and I love him dearly, he is super cool. He is an excellent adventure buddy. ^_^ In fairness I’ve known him for quite a while but only recently have gotten to know him really well.

As of Dec 2nd, I am getting my first tattoo! Japanese Cherry Blossoms, which symbolize the beauty and fragility of life, and “Matthew 25:21” beneath them, as a memorial to my mom. November 22 will be three years since she went to spend forever with Jesus. My tattoo artist has been doing her thing for 27 years (longer than I have lived) and is super mega skilled. I am stoked. And terrified. It’ll be great! Pictures to come once it is all healed and ready to be seen by the world.

Let’s see… Anything else? I have an iPhone now. That’s not really news. I joined the cult. I’m sorry. I regret nothing. I am enjoying it. Sorry, Android lovers. I was once one of you, but I have moved on to bigger and better things. 😛

Anyway, guys and gals, I really really am sorry I have left you all hanging. Since my courtship ended, I have had less that really inspired me to blog. Yeah, he’s still my best friend, but it’s hard. There was such a beautiful dream, such a precious love, and it is still there, it just cannot grow into anything else, and that’s hard. Please pray for us. Pray for me, that I am able to move on, and pray for my awesome guy, that he would change his mind and marry me. (Just kidding!!… sort of.) Okay, for real, pray for guidance for him, for clarity, and that both of us will continue to be lead by God into whatever future He has for our lives. And that no matter what happens, we remain close friends. His friendship is so valuable to me.

Alrighty, I must be off. But thanks for reading, and thanks for the prayers.

~TQG

The Best Is Yet To Come

A lot has happened since my last post…

Chiefly, the friend I went on the “Great Salsa Adventure” with is courting me now. We’ve discussed so many things and spent a lot of time talking over our pet peeves and expectations and opinions on things, it’s been amazing. And now, though he is waiting until June 2017 for God to give him assurance that we are supposed to be married, we are planning on attending pre-marital counseling to see if they can help us figure out if we’ve missed any important topics of discussion.

We take a lot of long walks and mini adventures together, spend many an evening cooking wonderful meals together and watching quirky anime shows and movies I’ve never heard of. We laugh until we can hardly breathe, tease each other, and over-all just have a fantastic time together.

All these years, praying for a Godly man, I never thought God would go so above and beyond my expectations. I feel so honored, respected and loved. And I can’t wait to see what He has in store for us as we continue our adventure together.

For those of you waiting for your knight in shining armor, stop looking. Just let him come. He won’t be what you hope for. He will be far, far greater.

Also, my Dad got remarried, moved in with his new wife, and I am living alone. Trying to find a new place to live so when the house sells, I’m not forced to move in with my stepmom’s house with her two kids. Introvert me does not want live-in siblings. 😛

Anyway, yes. Lots of changes. ^_^

~TQG

Ruth & Boaz

I’ve been told no less than 3 times this week that I am beautiful. At least 4 times that I have gorgeous hair, and twice that I have a sweet spirit. God knows when I need the reminder.

I’m watching everyone I know, coworkers, friends, family and people I don’t even know getting engaged and married and having kids left and right. People that are younger or not much older than myself. It’s awesome, seeing everyone so happy, pursuing futures with their new spouses. But it’s also kinda hard. I have to keep reminding myself that I would rather be single than with the wrong person, or lower my standards just to get affection.

What I’m looking for is totally worth the wait. I know my creator is thrilled to reveal His plan. He’s got my love story all written out, each step I take traces the lines of His pen. I grow closer each day to the moment when clarity hits. He delights in romance, the joy of learning to love someone completely and fully.

My man is being prepared for me just as I am for him. A man after God’s own heart. Who loves God more than he loves me, and puts God first in all he does.

I studied the book of Ruth again recently, and I have to say, I just adore the love story of Ruth and Boaz. It’s so imperfect.

Tragedy, hard manual labor, long sweaty days in the sun.

A medaling older woman who gives questionable advice requiring Ruth, a woman, to essentially make the first move. (A big deal back then!) She literally tells her, wash yourself, wear your best perfume and clothes, but do not let him see you until he has finished eating and drinking. I don’t know if they were drinking water or wine, but regardless. She’s getting her daughter in law ready to wow an unsuspecting man after a long hard day of work. Sneaky old lady.

But then, Boaz, a kind hearted, honorable man, sees her hard work and blesses her for it. And takes her forwardness with such grace.

“May you be blessed by the Lord, my daughter; this last instance of your loyalty is better than the first; you have not gone after younger men, whether poor or rich. And now, my daughter, do not be afraid. I will do for you all that you ask, for all the assembly of my people know that you are a worthy woman. But now, though it is true that I am a near kinsman, there is another kinsman more closely related than I. Remain this night, and in the morning, if he will act as next-of-kin for you, good; let him do it. If he is not willing to act as next-of-kin for you, then, as the Lord lives, I will. Lie down until the morning.”

So she lay at his feet until morning…

I strongly encourage you to go read this book to get the full picture. There is no question that he liked and was attracted to her, but yet he sought out the course of action that was honorable and in her best interest, all while reassuring her that regardless, she would be taken care of. Even in the way that he asked her to remain for the night rather than go alone back to her home with Naomi.

I also love how when Ruth recounts the story to Naomi the next day, Naomi says “Wait, my daughter, until you learn how the matter turns out, for the man will not rest, but will settle the matter today.”

I get the feeling Ruth was jittery and nervous about what would happen and where she would end up. I can relate with that.

I also like the honest, but very strategic way Boaz poses the idea to this other next of kin. He is totally honest, but it’s clear he is definitely hoping to be the one to redeem Ruth. It’s precious. I can’t help but see in my mind a mature, wise man, talking to this other next-of-kin, his heart pounding, praying under his breath that God bless him with this strong, hard working, worthy woman.

The whole thing is just dripping with raw humanity, and it’s beautiful. It makes my heart smile. God has such a great sense of humor.

I’m not perfect, and I never will be, but I’m hoping and praying I will be a worthy bride to my own Boaz someday.