Only you

No idea what the title of this song is, nor the rest of the lyrics. But, I love this part.

“If the whole world were watching, I’d still dance with you.

Drive highways and biways to be there with you. 

Over and over there’s only one truth,

Everything comes back to you.

You still make me nervous when you walk in the room,

Those butterflies, they come alive, when I’m next to you.

Over and over there’s only one truth, 

Everything comes back to you.” 

~TQG

It’s not over yet.

Heard this song on the radio for the first time about two weeks ago. Absolutely love it. I’m surprised I haven’t busted my cars speakers with this one.

God is doing some fantastic things in my life. I’m officially a member of my church, which is something I’ve never done or wanted to do until now. I’m making new friends, trying new things, expanding my world tenfold, and loving it. It’s scary, but so worth it.

Work is stressing me out some. I sometimes miss having a job that didn’t require studying and certifications. But, I am still enjoying my work, so that is a huge blessing.

Anyway, there is a quick update for you. Maybe more later. I have to get ready for bed, and decide which of three books I have to read will actually be read tonight. We’ll see how it goes.

 

~TQG

 

Comfortable Silence

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I love people who can hold their own in a conversation. Who can fill in the gaps that I so often leave. Who can gently draw me out, even when I’m not actively trying to participate. Conversely, I love when those same people can just sit quietly with me and not insist on filling the silence. Knowing when something is worth breaking silence for and when it can just go unsaid. It’s a skill few people possess. Most feel extremely uncomfortable with silence.

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After writing the above portion of this post, I went and had thanksgiving “dinner” (it was lunch, but whatever) with some good friends of ours, then went and walked about 2 miles on a local dam, came home and did some housework while listening to music from an app that recently appeared on my Android after an update, it’s called “Milk Music”. Pretty neat little app. It lead to the discovery of a song called “One” by Ed Sheeran.

“And all my friends have gone to find
Another place to let their hearts collide
Just promise me, you’ll always be a friend
‘Cause you are the only one.”

The whole song is quite good, but those lyrics particularly spoke to the way I feel sometimes. Like I have to ask for assurance from the people I truly call friends. Assurance that they aren’t going to find a reason to leave me behind. I guess there is no way to truly guarantee it, but love is worth that risk.

On another note, this Sunday I have my interview to become a member at my church. So thrilled to have found a church family that I want to become apart of. That Iย enjoyย actively being apart of. Such a blessing. God is good.

Happy Thanksgiving, from TQG ๐Ÿ™‚

The Temperature of a Heart

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Ready for a super cliche, super typical, song stuffed post?

If you’ve never read my “bio”, it’s located at the top-ish area of this blog, it’s a tab labeled “Meet That Quiet Girl”. You’ll see a very brief explanation of who I am, just the tiniest glimpse into the scars on my heart from careless people who earned my trust, got me to let them in, only to prove every fear I had, and leave behind a mess for me to clean up. I’ve spent years of my life trying to take down my walls, let people see me for who I am, learn to trust again, be vulnerable, wear my heart on my sleeve sometimes because despite all it’s scars, it’s beautiful. I’ve been fighting, with God’s help, to keep my heart soft, to keep it from growing cold.

I’ve been back-stabbed, betrayed, left behind, forgotten, rejected. And I survived.

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I held my mom’s hand as she got a new IV put in, the day before she died. I watched tears stream down her face from the pain, but her hand was barely strong enough to grip mine. I watched the oxygen meter count down as she breathed her last breath. And I survived.

And last night, I looked into the eyes of someone I care about with every fiber of what’s left of my heart, and saw…emptiness. Listened to the words I was promised, assured, that I would never have to hear cross their lips. Seven years of friendship came crashing down around me, and all I could think was,ย it’s happening again. I can’t goย through this again. I can’t loose you. I can’t survive this again. You promised me you were different, you asked me to trust you.. You lied to me.ย ย 

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How many times can a heart be broken before it’s beyond repair? God’s answer is that nothing is impossible in Him. And I know that to be true. I fight the old nagging voices, telling me that by now surely I must know that no one can be trusted. No one stands true to their word. A promise is a promise, no matter how much time passes, it remains.

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I don’t make many promises. “I promise” are words I use very rarely, very exclusively, because of this. And when so many have been made to me, and so many broken, it becomes so hard to trust.

I’ve never understood why heartbreak can cause actual, physical pain, but I assure you, it does. It feels like a sickening heat in the depths of my chest, at the base of my lungs, burning. A heat that chills your bones and makes your lungs shudder.

As I was at work today, feeling this, unable to focus on my work, my thought storm was interrupted by a compliment from the patient I was with.

“You know, you have such a kind spirit. A very soothing countenance. I can tell you’re a very kind and thoughtful person.”

Tears welled. How is it that a total stranger can catch me in my worst moments and see something worthwhile in me, yet the ones I let into my heart seem to find it so easy to leave?

Later, from coworkers today;

“You’re beautiful, you know.”

“Everyone needs someone like you in their lives, you’re such a genuine, kind, calming person.”

But I don’t feel like that person right now. I just feel deadened, chilled from the inside out. I don’t even feel real, as if I’m just a figment in someones imagination, and they’ve stopped writing my storyline.

These songs that I’m sticking in random places here are ones I’ve always felt connected to, with what I’ve been through. They always seem so relevant. And listening to them holds me back from letting my mind twist itself into an endless knot of frustration.

So, there you have it. A cliche, “my heart, ow” blog post complete with songs that support the emotional state of the blog writer. Oh so original.

Nevertheless, here it is. The temperature of my heart. Injured muscles feel warm to the touch, but my heart burns with ice. Maybe it will grow warm yet again one day… Maybe.

Architecture

Before I go into this multifaceted post, I have to say, I am honored. Lately I’ve gained several new followers here on my blog and gotten a few responses, and I greatly appreciate the support. If you’re reading this and following me, thank you.

While I was in the mountains of West Virginia, I took a walk. I had to bundle up to do so, it was something like 7 degrees outside, but once my body adjusted, I started to appreciate how incredibly beautiful it was.

The view through the picture window in our cabin.

The view through the picture window in our cabin.

Another angle from the window.

Another angle from the window.

At that time of day, a blizzard was chaotically swirling huge snow flakes all around me, and the mountains in the distance were veiled in a hazy coldness that just seemed perfect. Flawless. And my ride on the ski lift (seen in the background of these two pictures) was just as breath taking. I particularly enjoy being up high, and the view from there was amazing. God is quite the artist.

Recently, God revealed something to me. When I stop trying to “do better” or “try harder” and just commit myself to Him, He steps in and supports me in that commitment. I’ve been struggling with sin in a particular area of my life, and it seemed that no matter how hard I tried, how much effort I put into avoiding it, I couldn’t defeat it. It was breaking me, leaving me with constant guilt and depression. Finally, just about two weeks ago, I prayed a desperate prayer. I told God that I was done trying. Because trying wasn’t good enough. I was done with “doing my best”, because my best will never be good enough. I said, “God, I am committing this to You, that I will not fall into this sin again, and I ask that You support me in this commitment, and give me the strength it takes to keep it unbroken.” And my God has come through on that request in ways I never imagined. Several times since then, temptation has presented itself, and each time I’ve said, sometimes out loud, “I made a commitment.” and it’s as if God just takes the temptation completely away. It’s nothingย I’m doing, it’s the gracious love of Christ coming in and helping me honor my commitment to Him. I’m so humbled by this. I don’t deserve it. I don’t understand why He loves me, but I’m so thankful He does. I am not defined by my sin, I am defined by His love.

When I arrived to my first day back at work this week, I was greeted by a completely unexpected surprise. I am the “Associate Of the Month” for the month of December! I’m very thankful for the blessing of a job where I am valued and appreciated by my superiors. It’s definitely encouraging, it motivates me to be even better at my job. Though it is kinda embarrassing to have my picture on the wall in the break room…

If you’re a detail oriented person such as myself, you are probably wondering “Soโ€ฆ what’s with the title of this blog?” Well, my likeminded reader, it is inspired by a song that I recently heard on my favorite radio station (Air1 Radio), which I would like to share with you!

It was playing in my head the day I went for aย walkย in the mountains. Also, this song came to mind too, because I am a geek.ย 

I love mountains. They put me in a fantastic, majestic mood. They make me want to soar on wings like eagles.

But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

~Isaiah 40:31

 

The Lord Of The Rings Score-Live

Music is one of the most powerful forces that we have control over, in my opinion. We can shape it and form it into a symphony that can take the listener on an epic, emotional adventure without leaving their seat. It’s more powerful, in my eyes, than both books and movies together. It is a movies score than makes the movie impact you, whether you notice it or not. And I think Howard Shore is an excellent example of a skillful music writer. You don’t have to listen to the whole thing, but at least listen through the Shire music. It’s lovely.