Okay! It’s been an eventful few months. God has been so incredibly faithful. On Dec. 30th, everything exploded with my ex, seen in the last two posts. We can call him “He Who Shall Not Be Named”. And after some time spent just, being hurt and mad and dealing with a lot of self doubt, I decided I would get back out there, as it were. Thinking that it would surely take me months of talking to a lot of “trash” guys before I found anyone worth meeting. Armed with new paranoias, new fears, and new walls guarding my heart, I rejoined the dating app I’d been on, as well as turning on the “dating” feature of Facebook.
As I expected, most of the men who contacted me were pretty much just looking for one night stands (despite the fact that my profiles obviously showed me to not be that kinda girl), or men who thought you simply HAD to have sex with someone to know if you were “compatible”. Few conversations lasted more than a day, if that. I asked a lot of tough, pointed questions and successfully scared off a number of men who were not interested in anything long term or serious.
However. Sometime in early January, maybe the first week of January even? Not sure. I got a message from a guy who seemed… interesting. Joseph. Not like the rest. But, He Who Shall Not Be Named seemed like that too!! So, with much trepidation, I did my very best to scare this one off. I asked a lot of intense questions. I never complimented him, or flirted with him at all, despite his very sweet compliments and respectful flirting towards me. I eventually agreed to meet him for a walk across a local dam. Which went well. I did a lot of listening, answering his questions, but not offering a lot of myself. I invited him to come contra dancing with my a week or so later. Which he gladly agreed to, despite having never done it before. He sent (and continues to do so) a Bible verse and a prayer, each morning, when he got up. Talked to me throughout the day. Sent me cute memes and gifs.
He came to contra, and it went well! He picked it up pretty quickly, and didn’t seem at all phased by the fact that I danced mostly with other men the entire time. Still keeping my distance. Physically and emotionally. But he was growing on me… Though I refused to admit that even to myself.
I invited him to a house concert I was hosting at my dad’s house. Insisting that if he wanted to continue to see me, he had to meet my dad. On the third date. He was understandably nervous, but not at all put off by this request. I told him if that meeting went well, we could have a movie night at my house the following day.
He came, yet again! And talked to my dad, and my stepmom, and her sister, and a lot of other friends and family and acquaintances of mine. While I mostly avoided him. My stepmom kept telling me I should go talk to him, and I kept telling her “I’m still testing him. He’s fine. I’ll talk to him when I’m ready.”
The night went well, I did eventually talk to him some, and we did have the movie night. Which also went well! He asked to hold my hand that night. And I let him. And I had a little moment of panic as I realized that I was very quickly developing feelings for this guy that I’d just met, so soon after going through the worse relationship ever. I made my panic known to him. He handled it very sweetly. Explained that he did not want to scare me off, and that he didn’t want to move too fast and make me feel rushed into anything. That he was happy to go as slow as I needed. After a good nights sleep, I woke up the next day and went to his church with him, feeling less panicked than I had been, and more okay with how things were going.
Since then, a lot has happened. You’d think, it’s been what, not quite a full two months, how can you possibly have moved much farther forward than that? Honestly, it’s a God thing. That’s all I can say. I was on the phone with my stepmom the other day, discussing plans to get engaged and married and find a house, and she says to me “Moriah, it’s amazing how things with He Who Must Not Be Named (yes, she actually calls him that, too) already seem like they happened forever ago. Joseph has just, wiped that slate completely clean, God used him to help heal your heart from that. And I can see how much better you feel about this relationship, there’s no insecurities and no wondering what he’s thinking… I love it. And I’m so happy for you!”
So, what I thought was a very rocky and depressing start to 2020, has become a really exciting and hope-filled time of new life. New dreams. Beauty and love, and learning how to trust again. I cannot wait to walk hand-in-hand with Joseph into the future that God is building for us, together.
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